Joke Thread

[Brugdor]

Abraham: "Isaac, I finally upgraded my PC."

Isaac:  "Really?  What did you do?"

Abraham:  "Well, I got a faster processor, a bigger hard drive, and an
awesome video card."

Isaac:  "Cool.  How about adding some more memory?"

Abraham:  "Don't worry, my son.  God will provide the RAM."

[Doombot]

Abraham:  "Don't worry, my son.  God will provide the RAM."

LOL!

[The SysMan]

Decarte walked into a bar and approached the bartender.
The bartender said: "No, wait, don't tell me. You'll have a pint of lager."
"I think not!" responded Decarte, and then he disappeared.

[Doombot]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[AcdQueen89]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[The SysMan]

Duke Nukem Forever.

[Solwyn]

Duke Nukem Forever.

Game over. You win.

[Doombot]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

[Doombot]

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

[Brugdor]

"A friend of mine has a trophy wife but apparently it wasn't first place." - Steven Wright

[MrWeasel]

one day a frog walked into a bank, he waited in line and finaly got up to the teller,
 looking at her name tag he saw her name was patricia Whack,
 looking down patty saw the frog and being polilte asked if she could help him in any way
 well the frog spoke up and said, I'm froggy Jaeger, Mick Jaegers pet frog, and i want to borrow $10,000 to buy mick a boat for his birthday
 well patty looked again at the frog and said, I'm sorry but we can't make that kind of loan without collateral
 so froggy reaches into his pocket (dont' ask me where a frog got a pocket) and pulls out a little porclin elephant and asks "will this do"?
 Patty looks at the figurine and the frog and decides this one just has to go up to the manager she was not about to lend a frog 10k
 going into her bosses office she explains about the frog being mick jaegers pet and wanting to borrow 10k for a boat and lastly he handed me this little whatever it is elephant as collaterial..... The manager looks at the elephant and says.... (u rdy for this)
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That's a knick knack patty whack give the frog a loan his old man's a rolling stone


{{{{hides}}}}

[Doombot]

Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."

[Loveshack]

Albert Einstein is at a party and he's mingling among the guests.
He walks up to one gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150."
So they have a nice conversation about quantum physics, the theoretical singularity of the universe and that sort of the thing.
Later on, he walks up to another gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "100."
So they have a nice conversation about general politics and whatnot.
Later on, he walks up to another gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "85."
Albert replies "Oh...Bag a deer, yet?"

[AcdQueen89]

knock knock
who's there
fuck
fuck who
no, fuck whom.

[Loveshack]

Okay, I told this joke on the board a couple years back, so my apologies if you remember it.

Three Japanese businessmen are on an airplane which malfunctions and crashes, killing everyone aboard. The three Japanese businessmen arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter is there and Saint Peter says:
"Guys, you're at the wrong Heaven. This is Christian heaven, and you guys believe in Buddhism, and Shintoism and all that stuff, so I can't let you in."
But the Japanese businessmen start crying and begging Saint Peter to let them in anyway, and Peter has a change of heart, thinks for a minute, and says:
"Okay, I'm late for my tee-off with Moses anyway, so I'll tell you what. I'll let you in if you can tell me the meaning of Easter."
So the Japanese businessmen huddle up and start trying to think of an answer.  After a few minutes, one of the Japanese businessmen approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Uh...Big fat man in red suit slide down chimney with presents for everyone. Lots of food. Everyone get drunk?"
To which Saint Peter sadly replies, "No, I'm sorry." and then the clouds part and the first Japanese businessman falls through them to an uncertain fate.
After a few minutes, the second Japanese businessman approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Uh...Fireworks shoot up in sky. Lots of food. Everyone get drunk?"
To which Saint Peter sadly replies, "No, I'm sorry." and then the clouds part and the first Japanese businessman falls through them to an uncertain fate.
Now the third Japanese business man thinks for a long, long time about his answer, but finally, he thinks he has a good one. He gets up, confidently approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Jesus come to earth. Do many good things. Crucified for our sins. Put in cave. Three days later comes out?"
And Saint Peter nods happily and is making his way to open the gates for the man when he adds:
"And if he sees his shadow, there be six more weeks of winter?"