I remember hearing in a movie that every story that's worth telling is about a girl. I don't know for sure if this story is worth telling, but it is all about a girl: the perfect girl. At least, she's perfect to me. I suppose that's what a layman's definition of love may be; ignoring the flaws for the sake of the virtues. Love and stupidity must have a common ancestor.
This girl, who I have known since at least third grade, have drifted in and out of each other's lives over the years since we graduated high school. She and I were never really close until sophomore year of high school, though we got along okay and enjoyed each other's company, and then when we graduated. Through all that time I watched her grow from a pretty young girl into the beautiful young woman she is today. I think part of me always fancied her, even back then, if only because she was unique. She never really fit in with the "other girls" in that she didn't get caught up in the superficial schlock that formed the social pastiche of high school girls in the late '90s. She didn't bother with the heavy makeup or slutty clothes or any of the other things that I've always thought degrading to women; and that only made her more beautiful to me.
During college, she went to school out of state, but we kept in touch via e-mail and saw each other during school vacations. I remember one time I called her over to hang out, panicked at the last minute, and called a couple of buddies to race over before she arrived just so the burden of conversation wouldn't be just on me the whole time. Yeah, I know. Smooooth. But the thing that stands out in my mind is that, at the end of the night, after we, all of us, went to see "The Man Who Wasn't There", and it was just the two of us on the sidewalk, she said to me, "You're nervous around girls aren't you, Jared?" to which all I could do was dig my toe into the pavement and hang my head like a kid who just knocked a baseball through a store window, and sheepishly mutter, "Yeah." And she said. "You don't have to do that with me. I know you too well for it to work anyway!" I went home that night feeling like I was king of the world.
She and I kept this friendship going pretty much the same way over the years until recently when fate smiled and put us in the same housing community. Of course by now we both had jobs with somewhat incompatible schedules but we still made time to at least talk on the phone if we couldn't get any facetime.
The more time I spent with her, the more beautiful she became to me not because she had looks, but because she had a beautiful heart. That's something that I've found to be rare with all of the girls I've met at college. Most of them had hearts as black as coal when you got to know them. You need only see how they treat the elderly or some other undesirable to see their true colors. All the superficial sweetness in the world can't take that taste out of your mouth. Not her.
I finally couldn't take it anymore and called her up one night and said I had to tell her something important. Immediately I felt stupid and tried to backpeddle out of it, but she wouldn't let me. "No. You tell me what's up RIGHT NOW!"
"I...::sigh:: I think I like you."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way. I think I might, but I don't know for sure." (Ladies, if you're ever going to say this to a guy, do them a favor, just go over to their house and stab them through the heart with a crowbar, it's less painful and it grants them the quick death that the other response leaves them craving but doesn't deliver.)
She still wants to be my friend, but gave me the option of cutting her out completely. I told her I would be willing to try to be her friend, but that she should know I would always want more. I figured why lie? I'm bad at deception anyway, and she knows me too well. She seemed oddly okay with that and we still hang out.
The other day she told me she had a boyfriend. This would be her second relationship in almost a decade. The former was with a good friend of mine and didn't last long. She doesn't like to date. My response was less than charming. I'll spare all the gory details, but it involved me saying "No." in the phone repeatedly with an inflection vaguely reminiscent of a coyote howling at the moon. "NowhooOOO, Leeloo, NowhooOO..." Not too proud of myself there, but what can I say, it hurt. It still hurts.
But, I was totally honest with her. That's something that I didn't try with the girl in "Love Stinks" part I. And if Leeloo is happy with this guy, then I have no just cause to be jealous or angry. Unfortunately, the many qualities in her that I find so attractive are qualities that I can't return. I can only offer sincerity and loyalty, which means I'd make a fine dog, but not a good boyfriend. If she's happy and this guy gives her what I can't and treats her better than I could, then I should be happy for her, right? I am. I'm so happy for her I can almost ignore the bitter lump in my heart that I want so badly to disgorge. Once, just once, I'd like to be the other half of the happy equation, and not the anguished lovelorn wretch writing about this stuff in the middle of the night.
In spite of it all, she's still so beautiful...