As long as I can remember, I've always thought "differently" about things. And not in an Apple kind of way, that people approve of and call "extraordinary", "genius" or any other number of adjectives that part of the California lexicon. My kind of different thinking results in a lot of frustration and disapproval in others. Its one of the toughest things I deal with on a daily basis. In some ways, I'm a daydreamer. I fondly remember sitting in the outfield as a child, sitting in the dirt plucking grass, while the other kids focused on the baseball game. Nowadays, I can admit that baseball is a pretty boring sport for the most part, but I can still enjoy watching a game. In other ways, I'm consistently puzzled. One of my best friends commented that I usually look "confused" but he knows that i'm always internally contemplating. During my life, there were many phrases that people yelled at me repeatedly, that I will probably remember forever. One of these was "Use your head!", as if using your brain is some kind active decision that we make. But its more like a passive unconscious learned habit. Our nervous system reacts actively, but we don't have any real control over what our brains do. When things go well, people often don't feel responsible, and blame it on luck, karma, practice or whatever. Another phrase that will be forever ingrained in my brain is my dad yelling "Dysfunctional!" as his favorite adjective to describe our family. Like we have a certain function to fulfill. My different way of thinking, I generally blamed it on 2 things. The first is me being left-handed. Its something I consider important to me that makes me unique, and somewhat of a loner. From what I understand, people who are left-handed have brains that are literally hardwired backwards (err, inverted?), that is the hemispheres of our brains are used differently than the majority of the population. Theres a lot of fluff online about southpaws being "more creative and pattern oriented" and while I take this with a grain of salt, some days the honesty of my different approach to thinking is too apparent. The world is truly designed for the majority (right handers). The second thing that I blame is my mother. Well, her messy habits mostly. While she's gotten better about it lately, I'll never forget the mountains of papers, clothes, and garbage that littered our house, including her most intimate spaces. I distantly remember one incident maybe 10 years ago, where I realized we didn't really have a space for rags, so I made and labeled a "rag box" in the closet in the hopes that she would utilize this as a place to put rags. But she paid it no mind at all. It really made me feel bad that I created something that went unused. I'm not sure that I can ever forgive her for that, and thats why one of my greatest internal drives is to create something that people will use and love. To this day, I have trouble discerning what is a rag since we don't have a real place for them. She's the most caring person I've ever known and I love her to death, but the ways we think differently make me worried about our future. I think that seeing a constant mess everywhere I live has caused me to see nothing as complete, and want to fix everything, even if there is nothing that should be fixed. Like a triangular peg in a hexagonal hole, I am the non-conformist. My "midwestern sensibilities" make me a pretty moderated person. I don't believe in bending the rules even if you can get away with it, because fulfillment comes from accepting the limitations and their purpose in this human constructed world. I don't believe in doing what is successful for other people, even if you may likely be successful too, because I think norms should constantly be challenged and choosing the easy guaranteed method is lazy. (Thats why women who wear black flips in summer bothers me so much). Thinking differently is tough and is met with a lot of criticism. I don't necessarily agree that there is a right or wrong way to do anything, there is just "a way" and a measurement of the relative success of that way.
If anyone reads through this whole essay, please pick a small quote that you find intriguing and send it to me or post it. It would make me feel very good. I love you all.
