Author Topic: Joke Thread  (Read 11503 times)

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BlueCross

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Joke Thread
« on: August 07, 2007, 12:44:37 AM »
Each joke has to be funnier than the last or you will be pelted.



"How Old am I?"

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
"for the record, I'm not some kind of psychotic provincialist." - Than (ed: Cit. required)
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Varelan Fox

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2007, 01:04:19 AM »
(better with accents but hey..)

A cornish man is pushing his bicycle up a country road when a large, posh bentley cruises past.

Cornish man: That's a noice car.

A little while later he comes up to the Bentley on the side of the road, the driver has the bonnet up and he's checking the engine.

Driver: I say good man, would you happen to have a mobile phone on you?

Cornish Man: Ohh Oi wouldn't be havin' one o' those, I'm just a simple faarmer me, but there is a phone box just up the road.

He gives the driver directions and off the driver goes. The man looks at the car rather impressed.

Cornish Man: That's a noice car...

Just then the window's wound down in the back and a posh woman is sat in the back.

Cornish Man: Oi was just saying what a noice car you had.

Posh woman: Oh yes, it's a Bentley.

Cornish Man: Oi bet that cost a bob or two.

Posh Woman: oh yes but money is no object.

Cornish Man: Don't seem all that good what with you bein' broken down and all.

Posh Woman: Oh yes, it only does 4 miles to the Gallon, but like I said, money is no object.

Cornish man: Oh aye? You must be worth a bob or two.

Posh Woman: Oh yes, my husband works for Cunard.

Cornish man: Well Oi wurk Fuckin' 'ard and all I've got is a push boike.

Hoopy Frood

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2007, 02:15:15 AM »
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the hood. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Goodbye!"
All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man whose gonna burn your house down – with the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Solwyn

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2007, 04:30:27 PM »
Old one that my grandma told me, kinda goofy but I think some people will like it based on what I've seen on the board...

A young lad moved up to Canada and was enjoying some of the local flavor and culture. He met an old man, and asked if he could learn any tricks to help him survive the Canadian climate. Being a newfie, he shared one of his key survival tips.

"Ya see, you gotta protect yerself from the bears up here." The lad encouraged him to go on, and he continued.

"Whatcha do, is ya drill a hole aboot tree or four feet across in the ice. Then, ya get some frozen peas, and line 'em up round the hole."

Waiting to hear more, the man sat in silence until finally he asked, "Well then what?"

"Oh, when he goes to take a pea, ya kick him in the ice hole."
"Honor is the combination of idealism and the practical application of
it without regard for its personal cost to you."

Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2007, 05:08:51 PM »
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?”

”Sure it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”

He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain.  He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.”

The patient replied “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!


AcdQueen89

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2007, 06:52:30 PM »
two older couples were having dinner at one of the couple's houses. the women go to clean up after dinner and the men go to sit in the living room and talk.

"We went to this great resturant the other day but for the life of me i cant remember the name of it."

a few minutes later he asks, "what's the name of that red flower. not the poppy."

"a carnation?" his friend tries.

"No the one with the thorns"

"oh, a rose."

the first guy tilts back in his chair, "Hey Rose! what's the name of that resturant we went to the other day?"
In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2007, 07:03:59 PM »
Three notes walk into a bar... an A, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a
bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the
E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom
saying, 'Excuse me. I'll just be a second.' Then an A comes into the
bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is
not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of
the bar and exclaims, 'Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've
found in this bar tonight.' The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes
back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined
shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his
company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!
This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as
the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there
au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that
he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10
years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On
appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenors as
patrons, and the soprano is out in the bathroom, everything has
become altoo much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar."
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!


Solwyn

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2007, 08:30:50 PM »
nerdiest

joke

ever
"Honor is the combination of idealism and the practical application of
it without regard for its personal cost to you."

Brugdor

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2007, 09:00:49 PM »
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home to be buried for $5000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150." The husband thought about it and said he'd rather have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you'd only have to spend $150 for it?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."
"When planning a new picture we don't think of grown ups and we don't think of children but just of that fine, clean, unspoiled spot down deep in every one of us that maybe the world has made us forget and that maybe our pictures can help recall." - Walt Disney

Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2007, 09:16:33 PM »
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."

I loled. =)

----------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!


Hoopy Frood

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2007, 10:02:22 PM »
Three notes walk into a bar

Quote
... an A, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a
bar.

Was that before or after the other three notes from the first sentence?

Anyway, I echo Solwyn's sentiment about that being the nerdiest joke ever.

And I'll add another joke:

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step.


Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends."
All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man whose gonna burn your house down – with the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

The SysMan

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2007, 11:00:42 PM »
Damn.
All the jokes I have are incredibly dirty or sick :(
"This man seems to possess a dangerous animal cunning... The kind of cleverness to rip off your arms to crush you at chess!"

TSM: A member of the UV since March 1999.
"When God gives you lemons, you find a new God."
Moo.

Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2007, 12:10:36 AM »
Damn.
All the jokes I have are incredibly dirty or sick :(

 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy.
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!


Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2007, 12:15:11 AM »


 A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!


Doombot

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2007, 12:25:40 AM »
A female officer arrested Bluecross a while back for drunk driving.

The female officer told Bluecross, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

Bluecross replied: "BOOBIES!"
Will I get Night Owl points for quitting but not as much for getting fired?
Will I still be a member of the Owl's Pals? I'd hate to turn in my card. It's got a real owl feather under the lamination and everything.


Night Owl: Oh, indeed. I quit many a job ...better than being fired. You can keep your card... in fact, you get double points for quitting!