I am facing a difficult decision.

[Xerxes]

Well, it's like this. I looked up some old university friends on the Internet, and I found that the woman I had a fairly serious crush on for my third year is (a) disabled (can't quite work out what she's got, but she's on crutches), and (b) she's getting married.

The question is this:

Do I get in contact, even to wish her happiness and to express my sorrow over her disability? Or do I leave well alone? (as for the whole crush thing, she knows - I made an attempt to take things further physically, and she doesn't hate me and she said I haven't hurt her. This is considerably ahead of what happened the previous time I liked a woman enough to make such an attempt).

[Loveshack]

She's not married yet.  But at this point, I'd say she's as good as married.  And once a girl is married, that makes her none of your business.  Now if you and her had ever had anything beyond friendship in the past, and she was just engaged like she is now, and not married, I'd say go for it because you never know.  Odds certainly wouldn't be in your favor, but you never know.  But there's things you need to consider before you pursue anything.

1.  How long has it been since you talked to this woman last?  Is there a reason why you haven't, or for that matter she hasn't, made any contact with you before now?

2.  Do you really just want to wish her well and/or express sorrow over her disability? (I would avoid doing the second part of that no matter what, BTW.  I can't think of a non-awkward way to do it or why it would even be necessary to bring it up.)  Or are you still in love with her and the thought of seeing your dream finally, truly die seems like too much to bear even though all it ever really was was a beautiful dream?  You need to seriously ask yourself, were you content just being her friend when she actually was a part of your life?  If you weren't, why would things be any different now?  Don't kid yourself into thinking you want her friendship when you really just want her.

3.  So you've found the love of your life, and you're engaged to that person, and you're busy planning the wedding and dreaming about spending the rest of your life with that person.  Do you want former significant others and platonic friends with unrequited attraction to you  ever trying to reenter your life, let alone during this period of time?  Certainly there might be exceptions on a case-by-case basis, but I'm guessing the answer to that is "no" the vast majority of the time.  If she wanted you to be a part of her life, wouldn't she have initiated some contact by now?  (I'm not saying that's necessarily the case, but it's something you need consider.)

I'm speaking from experience here.  I had a friend who'd I'd known since third grade, and she was pretty cool (for a girl), and as we got older she got REALLY cool for a girl.  We were really good friends, and we'd drift apart, but we always wound up back in each other's lives somehow.  Long story short, in my mid-twenties, after years and years of friendship and a not-so-secret crush, I fell in love with her and wanted to marry her.  I thought for sure she was the "the one", (and if she had loved me in return, no doubt she would have been.)  She never led me on, and she was honest with me from the very beginning the extent that she was willing to be a part of my life, and anything beyond friendship just wasn't in the cards.  So we had kind of a brother and sister thing going on there for a while.  I really did try to be her friend, and it was hard (especially because she was perpetually single), but in hanging out with her I fell more and more in love with her until one day I just couldn't handle it anymore and did, well, this, basically.  Aaand, she shot me down, aaaand she still wanted to be friends!  Really!  She wanted things to stay the way they'd always been, and part of me wanted that too because I knew that was all of her I'd ever have.  I told her honestly that I was willing to try that, that I was willing to have her in my life however I could get her, but that she needed to know that I was always going to want more.  We attempted that ill-fated arrangement, and it was emotionally draining and damaging for both of us.  We weren't compatible anymore because we wanted different things from one another that we weren't able to give.  And eventually we just quit talking.  We weren't enemies and we didn't hate each other; in fact, we really cared about each other.  And because the situation we were in wasn't fair to either of us, we couldn't be around each other anymore.  That was two or three years ago, and I missed her every day, both because I really missed her friendship and because I was still horribly in love with her.

I found out she got married this summer, and I was inconsolable for about a month.  I would cry like a baby for hours at a time, wake up in the middle of the night and cry some more, and sometimes completely out of the blue I'd just break down in the middle of something and cry.  And for a while, I debated whether or not I should "do the right thing" and congratulate her, but after some long deliberation, I decided against it.  For one thing, my feelings for her still hadn't been properly dealt with, and she knew me too well for me to even entertain the notion of hiding those feelings.  For another, I wanted her to be happy, and even though it hurt, me trying to be a part of her life again was not conducive to her happiness.  If I really loved her as much as I said I did, that meant I had to put her happiness ahead of mine.  And her happiness was contingent upon not having to endure a relationship with someone who wanted something from her she couldn't give.  And you know what?  My happiness was contingent upon the same thing!  So me attempting to be a part of her life again wasn't good for either of us if we were going to be happy.  Sure, I'm still hopeful that some day we really can be friends again like we were, but I needed to figure out how to be okay even if that never happens.  That's the conclusion I came to anyway.  Your mileage may vary.

[Shard]

Just leave well enough alone. Bringing attention to her disability, even in the form of sympathy, has just as much of a chance of provoking a negative reaction (even though she would likely not be inclined to share that, if it were).

As for the marriage thing, it'd be one thing if you'd still been in touch this whole time. At that point, it might be a little odd not to give some congratulations, but to just come up out of the blue to say so not only serves no real purpose (it's not as if people getting married don't already get a million empty congratulations from everybody) but it could, potentially, come across awkward. I don't know the entire situation, but the fact that you even know about it might give the impression you're keeping tabs or some other indicator of general awkwardness/creepiness.

And I say that while going under the impression that you really do just mean it innocently. Don't even get me started on how weird that would be if you were going into it with some awkward hope of re-inserting yourself into the equation. She's engaged. Not to mention the fact that, having been recently disabled, her fiancee has likely been supporting her physically and emotionally while she either recovers or adjusts, so her emotional attachment/dependence on him is only going to be that much deeper.

So no. Just don't say anything, let her be.

If, by some chance, you just cannot restrain yourself from saying *something*, just say "Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Best wishes" and leave it alone. Nothing is still the best option, though.

[Swash]

Shard stole all my ideas.  I hate making "me too" posts, but this'll have to be one.

You don't even have to worry about what if's on this - you tried the what if before; she turned you down and you haven't spoken a whole lot since.

[Xerxes]

Point(s) taken, chaps - I'm just glad I asked for advice before making an even bigger bloody fool of myself. I shall leave well alone (save drinking a toast to them without their knowledge).

Thanks.

Xerxes (who admits he is a bloody fool when it comes to the female of the species - he knows how to relate to them as human beings and as friends, but nothing except that)

[Hoopy Frood]

Agree with the previous.

Unless you actually have a compelling reason to keep in regular contact with her, there's no reason to just do a drive-by congrats. Now if you miss having her as a friend, it would be a good reason to get in contact with her. But only if you have a desire to connect with her as an old friend. Anything else is creepy.

So it really comes down to what you desire to come out of this contact. If you have any inkling at all of trying to get back with her, that ship has sailed and you're only going to make the lives of everyone involved miserable, including the fiance who wasn't even part of this past.

But if you miss her purely as a friend/acquaintance, it's not that big of a deal to give her congrats. But you have to tread carefully, because you don't want to give any hint that can be misconstrued as interest in her. Because as I said, that's creepy.

(Just ask Liz who about a year ago was contacted over Facebook by her first boyfriend who is now engaged to be married, and Liz and I had been together about 4 years at that point. There apparently was some subtext going on, and Liz found it a combo of amusing and bemusing with a dash of creepy sprinkled on top. You really don't want it to go that way. In our case it barely registered on the radar, but every situation is different. You don't know what their relationship is like.)

[Xerxes]

Unless you actually have a compelling reason to keep in regular contact with her, there's no reason to just do a drive-by congrats. Now if you miss having her as a friend, it would be a good reason to get in contact with her. But only if you have a desire to connect with her as an old friend. Anything else is creepy.

So it really comes down to what you desire to come out of this contact. If you have any inkling at all of trying to get back with her, that ship has sailed and you're only going to make the lives of everyone involved miserable, including the fiance who wasn't even part of this past.

Not at all - I made my effort to get to know her better, she turned me down. Fair enough - it still ranks as my greatest success to date with the female of the species (I tried, she didn't hate me and I didn't hurt her.) I don't want to get in the way or play gooseberry. But she was my friend, and I miss her. I thank the Village for being rather more clear than I could be.

Xerxes.