Unwashed Village
General Discussion => Unwashed Village => Topic started by: BlueCross on August 07, 2007, 12:44:37 AM
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Each joke has to be funnier than the last or you will be pelted.
"How Old am I?"
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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(better with accents but hey..)
A cornish man is pushing his bicycle up a country road when a large, posh bentley cruises past.
Cornish man: That's a noice car.
A little while later he comes up to the Bentley on the side of the road, the driver has the bonnet up and he's checking the engine.
Driver: I say good man, would you happen to have a mobile phone on you?
Cornish Man: Ohh Oi wouldn't be havin' one o' those, I'm just a simple faarmer me, but there is a phone box just up the road.
He gives the driver directions and off the driver goes. The man looks at the car rather impressed.
Cornish Man: That's a noice car...
Just then the window's wound down in the back and a posh woman is sat in the back.
Cornish Man: Oi was just saying what a noice car you had.
Posh woman: Oh yes, it's a Bentley.
Cornish Man: Oi bet that cost a bob or two.
Posh Woman: oh yes but money is no object.
Cornish Man: Don't seem all that good what with you bein' broken down and all.
Posh Woman: Oh yes, it only does 4 miles to the Gallon, but like I said, money is no object.
Cornish man: Oh aye? You must be worth a bob or two.
Posh Woman: Oh yes, my husband works for Cunard.
Cornish man: Well Oi wurk Fuckin' 'ard and all I've got is a push boike.
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the hood. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Goodbye!"
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Old one that my grandma told me, kinda goofy but I think some people will like it based on what I've seen on the board...
A young lad moved up to Canada and was enjoying some of the local flavor and culture. He met an old man, and asked if he could learn any tricks to help him survive the Canadian climate. Being a newfie, he shared one of his key survival tips.
"Ya see, you gotta protect yerself from the bears up here." The lad encouraged him to go on, and he continued.
"Whatcha do, is ya drill a hole aboot tree or four feet across in the ice. Then, ya get some frozen peas, and line 'em up round the hole."
Waiting to hear more, the man sat in silence until finally he asked, "Well then what?"
"Oh, when he goes to take a pea, ya kick him in the ice hole."
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An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?”
”Sure it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.”
The patient replied “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”
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two older couples were having dinner at one of the couple's houses. the women go to clean up after dinner and the men go to sit in the living room and talk.
"We went to this great resturant the other day but for the life of me i cant remember the name of it."
a few minutes later he asks, "what's the name of that red flower. not the poppy."
"a carnation?" his friend tries.
"No the one with the thorns"
"oh, a rose."
the first guy tilts back in his chair, "Hey Rose! what's the name of that resturant we went to the other day?"
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Three notes walk into a bar... an A, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a
bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the
E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom
saying, 'Excuse me. I'll just be a second.' Then an A comes into the
bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is
not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of
the bar and exclaims, 'Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've
found in this bar tonight.' The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes
back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined
shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his
company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!
This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as
the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there
au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that
he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10
years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On
appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenors as
patrons, and the soprano is out in the bathroom, everything has
become altoo much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar."
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nerdiest
joke
ever
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A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home to be buried for $5000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150." The husband thought about it and said he'd rather have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you'd only have to spend $150 for it?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."
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The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."
I loled. =)
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Three notes walk into a bar
... an A, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a
bar.
Was that before or after the other three notes from the first sentence?
Anyway, I echo Solwyn's sentiment about that being the nerdiest joke ever.
And I'll add another joke:
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends."
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Damn.
All the jokes I have are incredibly dirty or sick :(
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Damn.
All the jokes I have are incredibly dirty or sick :(
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy.
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(http://www.sfgate.com/blogs/images/sfgate/parenting/2007/02/20/th_simpsons_CrazyCatLady160x185.jpg)
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
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A female officer arrested Bluecross a while back for drunk driving.
The female officer told Bluecross, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
Bluecross replied: "BOOBIES!"
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Abraham: "Isaac, I finally upgraded my PC."
Isaac: "Really? What did you do?"
Abraham: "Well, I got a faster processor, a bigger hard drive, and an
awesome video card."
Isaac: "Cool. How about adding some more memory?"
Abraham: "Don't worry, my son. God will provide the RAM."
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Abraham: "Don't worry, my son. God will provide the RAM."
LOL!
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Decarte walked into a bar and approached the bartender.
The bartender said: "No, wait, don't tell me. You'll have a pint of lager."
"I think not!" responded Decarte, and then he disappeared.
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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Never Choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Duke Nukem Forever.
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Duke Nukem Forever.
Game over. You win.
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
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There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
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"A friend of mine has a trophy wife but apparently it wasn't first place." - Steven Wright
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one day a frog walked into a bank, he waited in line and finaly got up to the teller,
looking at her name tag he saw her name was patricia Whack,
looking down patty saw the frog and being polilte asked if she could help him in any way
well the frog spoke up and said, I'm froggy Jaeger, Mick Jaegers pet frog, and i want to borrow $10,000 to buy mick a boat for his birthday
well patty looked again at the frog and said, I'm sorry but we can't make that kind of loan without collateral
so froggy reaches into his pocket (dont' ask me where a frog got a pocket) and pulls out a little porclin elephant and asks "will this do"?
Patty looks at the figurine and the frog and decides this one just has to go up to the manager she was not about to lend a frog 10k
going into her bosses office she explains about the frog being mick jaegers pet and wanting to borrow 10k for a boat and lastly he handed me this little whatever it is elephant as collaterial..... The manager looks at the elephant and says.... (u rdy for this)
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That's a knick knack patty whack give the frog a loan his old man's a rolling stone
{{{{hides}}}}
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Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."
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Albert Einstein is at a party and he's mingling among the guests.
He walks up to one gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150."
So they have a nice conversation about quantum physics, the theoretical singularity of the universe and that sort of the thing.
Later on, he walks up to another gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "100."
So they have a nice conversation about general politics and whatnot.
Later on, he walks up to another gentleman and says, "Hello, I'm Albert Einstein. What's your IQ?"
The man replies "85."
Albert replies "Oh...Bag a deer, yet?"
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knock knock
who's there
fuck
fuck who
no, fuck whom.
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Okay, I told this joke on the board a couple years back, so my apologies if you remember it.
Three Japanese businessmen are on an airplane which malfunctions and crashes, killing everyone aboard. The three Japanese businessmen arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter is there and Saint Peter says:
"Guys, you're at the wrong Heaven. This is Christian heaven, and you guys believe in Buddhism, and Shintoism and all that stuff, so I can't let you in."
But the Japanese businessmen start crying and begging Saint Peter to let them in anyway, and Peter has a change of heart, thinks for a minute, and says:
"Okay, I'm late for my tee-off with Moses anyway, so I'll tell you what. I'll let you in if you can tell me the meaning of Easter."
So the Japanese businessmen huddle up and start trying to think of an answer. After a few minutes, one of the Japanese businessmen approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Uh...Big fat man in red suit slide down chimney with presents for everyone. Lots of food. Everyone get drunk?"
To which Saint Peter sadly replies, "No, I'm sorry." and then the clouds part and the first Japanese businessman falls through them to an uncertain fate.
After a few minutes, the second Japanese businessman approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Uh...Fireworks shoot up in sky. Lots of food. Everyone get drunk?"
To which Saint Peter sadly replies, "No, I'm sorry." and then the clouds part and the first Japanese businessman falls through them to an uncertain fate.
Now the third Japanese business man thinks for a long, long time about his answer, but finally, he thinks he has a good one. He gets up, confidently approaches Saint Peter and gives his answer:
"Jesus come to earth. Do many good things. Crucified for our sins. Put in cave. Three days later comes out?"
And Saint Peter nods happily and is making his way to open the gates for the man when he adds:
"And if he sees his shadow, there be six more weeks of winter?"
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Heard this one from my Grandma, who heard it from her minister of all people: (It helps if you know a little bit about church denominations.)
Why don't Baptists believe in sex before marriage? Because it leads to dancing.
And another one:
A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
The Devil says to him, "Hey Vinny! We've been waitin' for ya! I gotta' ask you a couple questions. Do you like to smoke?"
Vinny answers, "Ya, I love to smoke."
The Devil says "Good; you'll like Mondays! We smoke everything; cigarettes, cigars, weed, everything! Now, do you like to drink?"
Vinny says, "Of course. I love to drink."
The Devil replies, "Great; we drink everything on Tuesdays! You'll fit in great! Do you like to have sex?"
Vinny says, "Heck ya! Sex is the best!"
The Devil smiles and replies, "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays! Now, are you gay?"
Vinny frowns and answers, "NO, I'm not gay!"
The Devil looks down at the floor for a minute and says, "Man, you are gonna' hate Thursdays..."