Owl, yeah, I know that it's not good to lie, but the truth of the situation scared and upset her. Aside from the fact that I didn't want to be the cause of something that made her scared or upset, it drove her away from me, and I'd rather lie if it meant I could have her in my life in the limited capacity I do rather than continue to tell her the truth and lose her entirely. Sure, I'd never be more than her casual friend, and I'd always want more, but I think that to completely lose her would hurt so much more.
Of course, there's also that problem I mentioned earlier about having possibly idealized her in my head because of a lack of real meaningful interaction with her. This means that I am pining away for what basically amounts to a meticulously crafted imaginary friend who just happens to look like the real girl, who otherwise has nothing in common with the daydream and might very well be unappealing. (Unappealing mainly because she doesn't like me in that way, but there's probably other stuff about her I wouldn't like.)
Also, when I can avoid her without it being obvious that's what I'm doing, I do start to get over her, but then I'll hear something about her from a mutual acquaintance or see her at a mutual hangout and all the sudden my feelings for her come back. Of course, I stay quiet about them rather than continue to act on them. I'll start to figure it just isn't meant to be (which it probably isn't), and I'll start to forget about her, and then I'll get spooked into thinking she's marrying someone else and it's like back at square one.
I figure my options are to make her fall in love with me, (which I know I can't do since real love has to be freely given, and she ain't giving.) to forget about her and move on (which I've tried to do since it seems like the best, healthiest, and most mature decision, but can't seem to quite pull off.) OR...keep pining for a relationship that probably can't happen for any number of reasons (which happens without much effort for or against on my part.)
