Unwashed Village
General Discussion => Unwashed Village => Topic started by: Loveshack on September 12, 2007, 11:35:41 AM
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So, a little background...
Loveshack has known a girl since Kindergarten.
Loveshack begins to feel a little more than friendship for girl around end of high school.
Loveshack is madly in love with girl by end of freshman year of college.
Girl doesn't love Loveshack in that way.
Girl begins dating another guy she met at college while Loveshack stayed at home for another year. Things were looking up for Loveshack until this point.
Loveshack can't take hint and carries not-so-secret torch for the next seven years in the hopes that his life will play out like the magical fairy tale he hoped it would be.
Loveshack goes to college with girl the following year, but girl is now in dating other guy. (Other guy, unfortunately, seems like a decent guy, but not as decent as Loveshack.)
Loveshack does some things that could be construed as "stalkerish". (Not literally, but you know, flowers on her birthday and Valentine's day, that sort of thing. Girl is single for the most part during all this barring a few on-again-off-agains. Loveshack just didn't know any better because he has no experience in things like this.)
Loveshack and girl remain "friends" because Loveshack does an Academy Award-worthy performance where he denies having feelings for girl anymore after realizing that A. Girl is not "the one" Loveshack built her up to be in his head. (Loveshack still wants her.) and B. There comes a time when Loveshack realizes that he needs to cut his losses and move on because he lives in the real world, not in the movies he was taking his relationship advice from to compensate for lack of experience. (Loveshack finds "moving on" is easier in theory than in practice)
Girl never really says that she and other guy are in an official relationship, making things very confusing for Loveshack. Is new guy simply "in the way"?
Girl says she and other guy are in an official relationship. Loveshack hates new guy. How could new guy do this to Loveshack? Loveshack didn't do anything to new guy! New guy just decided to wreck Loveshack's life. Bastard.
Loveshack decides to bow out because it's "the right thing to do". Loveshack hopes girl and new guy's relationship falls apart in a spectacular fashion. Partly out of spite towards girl for rejecting Loveshack; partly so Loveshack can be the hero and "rescue" the girl.
Fast forward to present: Loveshack still vehemently denies attraction to girl, though friends all know the truth. Girl posts bulletin on Facebook saying she hopes the "big news" goes over well.
Loveshack freaks out because there are really only two kinds of "big news" a girl can have that she'd be worried wouldn't go over well: Marriage or Preggo.
There's a slim possibility it might be something other than that, but Loveshack knows better than that at this point.
Loveshack is sad.
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Tank feels sorry for Loveshack, knowing what he's gone through.
Tank gives Loveshack a hug.
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TK, in the same third person voice all responess should use, replies that unrequited love is a horrible thing that tends to haunt you, sometimes even after a relationship has been formed and broken. The positive thing, he reflects, is that it won't kill you and the way you deal with it informs the kind of man you are.
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Have you tried kidnapping her, tying her to a chair and playing a homemade movie that expresses, in stupendous detail, how you feel for her? (don't forget to tape her eyelids open, pack an eyedropper) Other than that, I got nothin'.
He had a chance you never did. Seven years dude. You don't need a hug, you need a slap in the head. Probably most people could tell you they've gone through something similar, so we can sympathize, but you've really got to move past it.
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Chucara thinks Jeff is right. Once you're in the "friend" zone, you're stuck there. Start browsing for other girls - a proven technique is to start noticing girls who are prettier than her - that worked miracles on Chucara's first three marriages.
If that doesn't work, Chucara thinks the chair-tying thing is a good idea. MAKE her realize she loves you through gentle brainwashing.
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The Jeff is often right. Its just part of who he is and he refuses to apologize for it.
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The TK would add that you don't want to confuse love with infatuation, they may call it unrequited love but it's really infatuation, love is the thing that grows over time when you're with someone. You may know someone incredibly well and love them as you would a family member but the kind of love that comes with a relationship is formed by knowing how they fit into your life as a partner.
Actual unrequited loves comes when you've loved and lost and you still find yourself wishing you were sharing your life with that person. That really is no fun but it's something just about everybody will experience and have to deal with.
I'm not saying this to be mean or unkind but in this kind of situation it pays not to wrap a situation where there is no relationship in fancy emotional clothes.
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Brugdor pats Loveshack on the shoulder and explains that most of us have been there to some degree. Though he is sorry to hear that Loveshack is going through it now.
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Sweetpea asks if speaking in the third person is mandatory for this thread and ponders on the 7 years Loveshack has spent brooding over the girl.
the cynical Sweetpea thinks 7 years is a bit creepy but the Romantic Sweetpea slaps the Cynic out of the way and gives Loveshack a cuddle to make him feel better and tells him that she secretly hopes for a fairytale ending too :nice: but dont tell anyone! :embarassed:
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Sylvin wants to know how much, if any, dating Lovehshack has done of his own.
If she were to say anything, which she won't cause she isn't the sort to bud in, she'd say loveshack doesn't have the right to be angry, jealous or resent anyone in this situation.
He allowed himself to waste 7 years of his life - hiding being the 'safety' of 'loving' someone already.
It happens all the time - to almost every person on the planet. Sylvin has indeed likrd people who refused to see her for the obvious geat person she was. She allowed herself to mope, pine and flirt for most of a school year, then moved on to another crush.
If this gal in loveshacks life is gonna get married - he should be happy for her (as true love is really wanting someone you care about to be happy) obviously it's not Loveshack that makes her happy.
It happens - in fact, in these 7 years there were probably a handful of girls that loved loveshack....and we was blind to them.
lifes funny, and not always the haha funny.
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Doombot thinks Loveshack just pawn in game of life. Doom is sad. Doom want to give Loveshack big hug and treat him to Kauai burger. Doom have no Kauai burger. Alas, Doom is perplexed. How can Doom comfort friend Loveshack?
Doombot feels for Loveshack but thinks Loveshack should move on.
Doombot think there are Ms. Loveshack out there but if Loveshack spend much time on girl who not love Loveshack... Loveshack will miss her and never find her. Then future Ms. Loveshack will be sad because big hunking cute guy with blond hair not pay attention to her.
Why make future Loveshack sad?
Loveshack should date other girls and find future Loveshack.
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Doombot thinks Loveshack just pawn in game of life. Doom is sad. Doom want to give Loveshack big hug and treat him to Kauai burger. Doom have no Kauai burger. Alas, Doom is perplexed. How can Doom comfort friend Loveshack?
Doombot feels for Loveshack but thinks Loveshack should move on.
Doombot think there are Ms. Loveshack out there but if Loveshack spend much time on girl who not love Loveshack... Loveshack will miss her and never find her. Then future Ms. Loveshack will be sad because big hunking cute guy with blond hair not pay attention to her.
Why make future Loveshack sad?
Loveshack should date other girls and find future Loveshack.
Sweetpea heard Doombot in voice of Yoda. Sweetpea found it both humourous and odd.
Sweetpea also agrees with Sylviebee. Sweetpea wouldn't have wasted 7 years on someone who didn't love her back, no matter how much she wanted that happy ending with that person. if it didn't work out then it didn't work out. Sweetpea agrees Loveshack shouldn't resent any of the other parties either, its not their fault. Object of Loveshack's affections cant help how she feels about other guy.
like most things in life, make peace with what has happened and move on.
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Carib thinks Loveshack's story is the every turning cog in the ever moving machine of life. Carib does sympathize with Loveshack, but Carib strongly urges Loveshack to move on or at least maintain that friendship (optional). Carib firmly believes there are other females out there, who may like Loveshack.
Time mends, and sometimes a friend who has known you a long time may have a hard time as seeing you as a possible mate. Friend for life, sure, but they tend to take you for granted and only turn to you when the chips are down. Carib has had a few like that and has learned to move on. Loveshack can move on, but he must let go.
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Doombot thinks Loveshack just pawn in game of life. Doom is sad. Doom want to give Loveshack big hug and treat him to Kauai burger. Doom have no Kauai burger. Alas, Doom is perplexed. How can Doom comfort friend Loveshack?
Doombot feels for Loveshack but thinks Loveshack should move on.
Doombot think there are Ms. Loveshack out there but if Loveshack spend much time on girl who not love Loveshack... Loveshack will miss her and never find her. Then future Ms. Loveshack will be sad because big hunking cute guy with blond hair not pay attention to her.
Why make future Loveshack sad?
Loveshack should date other girls and find future Loveshack.
Hulk say loveshack smah love!!
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Hulk say loveshack smah love!!
Loveshack smash puny human love!
(http://avatarsofjustice.org/images/vaultboy/done/Bonushthdamage.png)
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Acd want watch George of Jungle now.
Acid thing Loveshack should watch with her and bring the chocolate.
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Fish feels like the village is in a Geico commercial.
Loveshack, I was on the other end of a situation like yours for a while (all throughout high school, in fact). Boy and I were literally best friends and neighbors; we rode to school together, hung out with each others' families, etc. In 9th grade, I had a crush on him, and made it painfully obvious by incessant flirting/spending time alone with him, etc. But he never made a move, and I couldn't tell if he was interested because even if I asked his friends about it or started any type of conversation about it, the answer was always no.
So I gave up on him. We still spent time together, but, being that I was 14 years old, I could easily let my feelings go and move on to hunky hunksters like Leo DiCaprio or something.
Anyway, 4 years later, I started dating my future husband, Jon. I'd still hang out with Boy, but the thought never entered my head that he had any romantic interest in me, especially because I dismissed my feelings for him and was quite happy with our friendship.
One day, we were riding home from school together, and he stopped in my driveway to let me out and literally blurted out, "I think I'm in love with you."
Even though I appreciated the directness and honesty, it was much too late (because I was with someone else) and I had truly dismissed the idea. Chucara is right dear, once you enter "The Friend Zone," there is no going back. Just like once you enter "The Relationship Zone," there is no going back. Like Billy Crystal said in "When Harry Met Sally," Men and women who have been in a failed relationship will never be the same types friends as they once were.
Also, women tend to categorize men into either Friends or Romantic Partners. Never both. At least, I don't.
Anyway, Boy and I no longer speak. He basically ruined his friendship with Jon, and I didn't want to hurt Jon by spending time alone with Boy. So we drifted apart, and that's that. And I'm married, and have no regrets about it.
Sorry to get preachy, if I did. I guess I'm just sayin - women appreciate directness. And you have to take that chance immediately. *snugs*
-fishie
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Owl, in his blunt "mean Owl" fashion, recalls several times being the other guy in this scenerio.
We (the real boyfriend) never liked the creepy hanger on "like a brother" friend guys. In fact, the truth is plain to us - you aren't really "friends" - you are forever in the on-deck circle, hoping and wishing. Always brooding, always with the cow eyes, always looking to undermine things. Owl always wished the cow-eyed guy would just go grow a pair and ask someone else out.
See, Owl learned this in high school, when he realized the "hope and wish" method of getting female companionship was far less effective than the "ask them out" method. Having tried both, Owl assures you the latter works MUCH better.
Owl also thinks Karate is so right when she says you have to be direct, and you have to do it immediatly.
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also, I don't know what movies you are watching, but everyone knows the male best friend of the girl never gets the girl.
you are forever destined to be ducky
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Strange, but true it seems.
I personally have been there and had the scars, though 7 years is a push in my books. I have had year long crushes that ended in crushed hopes, and once with a broken heart. It aint fun.
The best thing you can really do is... well, up to how you think you'll best cope with it.
I did what made sense to me with the last crush I had: I twisted it into apathy and disgust. Everything I had felt had a negative twist to it. That subsequently made it alot easier to ignore and forget. Not the best thing for everyone to do, however, and it made me unbearable to be around for a week or two, but its over now and I think I've learnt from it.
For you, my only advice would be to "drown" yourself in good friends or, even better, new friends.
And...uhh...yeah. Thassit. I'd give more, but I'm not really well experienced in this. I can only guess.
And No, I'm not gonna speak in third person. I'd only end up sounding like Rainman or somesuch.
Yeah. Yeah. Gonna shut up now.
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(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a1/Futurama_morbo.jpg) Morbo laughs at puny human concept of "Love". MWHAHA!
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Oh fuck me
deja vu
listen loveshack, im sorry man but im also grateful you brought this up to us.
you have just given me a look into a possible future of mine.
known her since kinder as well
sonnuva bitch
i learned very recently that fairytales die easy
theres nothing else i can say to you, i feel for you man
but deal with it, be lucky youve got a good friend, and deal with it
i wish you the best of luck
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Doom wants to know... What is Love?
What is Love Compilation (http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/41727/detail/)
http://64.237.57.50/media/flash/w/whatislovecompilation.swf?media=7368cbb9014cb12cf36e46abdd54bf
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Baby don't Flash me.
Don't Flash me.
No more.
:P
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Owl, in his blunt "mean Owl" fashion, recalls several times being the other guy in this scenerio.
We (the real boyfriend) never liked the creepy hanger on "like a brother" friend guys. In fact, the truth is plain to us - you aren't really "friends" - you are forever in the on-deck circle, hoping and wishing. Always brooding, always with the cow eyes, always looking to undermine things. Owl always wished the cow-eyed guy would just go grow a pair and ask someone else out.
See, Owl learned this in high school, when he realized the "hope and wish" method of getting female companionship was far less effective than the "ask them out" method. Having tried both, Owl assures you the latter works MUCH better.
Owl also thinks Karate is so right when she says you have to be direct, and you have to do it immediatly.
*Echoes owl's sentiments.*
Also, if you have asked her out, and she's expressed that she's not interested in you, and then later she starts dating someone else who you know fairly well, don't drink half a 750 of high-end vodka at her New Year's Eve party to drown your sorrow that she's with this new boyfriend at the same party and puke all over her bathroom--twice. It'll end the night quickly for you. I speak from personal experience. I wasn't the puker; I was the other guy. Granted, between my normal extroversion causing me to socialize and the fact that I was quickly approaching a state of inebriation myself, I was completely unaware of the drama that was occurring behind the scenes. I knew the guy was downing 'em quickly, but had no clue why. And didn't even know he was getting kicked out until they had already called the taxi for him. I found out the whole story the next day. I wasn't surprised he was drinking as heavily as he was since I knew that he had been interested in her, and earlier that night he had made an announcement that he had no problems with us dating. Usually someone who has to make such a statement is trying to reassure themselves more than you.
The funny thing was, it wasn't even my girlfriend who decided to kick him out. It was her (then) roommate.
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I'm grateful for the advice.
So just to recap and elaborate so everyone knows the whole story and I do my best not to sound like I'm some creepy hiding in the bushes breathing all hard kind of guy:
I've known the girl since kindergarten. I went to the same school with her all the way through high school and then to the same college. I didn't like her as more than a friend until around the end of high school and start of college (2001). She reciprocated somewhat, but it was more out of necessity as we were at a community college and the supply of familiar faces was scant. Nonetheless we kept each other company and soothed each other's depression. We dated occasionally and were at that "is it platonic or what?" phase when she left to finish at another school (2002). I opted to stay an additional year at community college to get my Associate's Degree in order to make a smooth transfer to a four-year university. Naturally I picked the college she was at with the intention of picking up where we left off (2003). Unfortunately, she'd met the new bloke who replaced me. Decent chap, but kind of a monkeywrench in my lifeplan. Plus, there were a few times that he was going to leave and attend another school, far, far away, but they just never panned out. Anyway, they were sort of platonic friends too, never really referring to themselves as a couple or as the other's boyfriend/girlfriend or anything, so I just assumed she was still up for grabs.
Unfortunately, I lack the knowledge or skill to successfully execute a "woo-ing" operation, so I was taking my cues from movies and getting her gifts on holidays and stuff. (flowers and things.) If she seemed put off at all I just dismissed it as "wanting to make sure someone got her something for Valentine's Day because a pretty girl should always get something on her special day" and I was glad to do it because "I didn't have anyone to get anything for." Meanwhile the new guy just sort of hovered in and out of the limelight during this time, as did my infatuation for the girl. I jockeyed between desperately wanting her and thinking that I would never get her and that even if I did that it wouldn't work out. In the same vein, I jockeyed between telling my friends that I was madly in love with her and that I was completely over her. Half the time when I said I was over her, it was more to keep her happy and to preserve the friendship, but other times it was the truth. this has pretty much been the status quo from 2003 to the present with the addition of her officially referring to the new guy as her boyfriend around mid-2006 or so.
I should clarify. I dated other girls over past seven years, but never anything serious, and my thoughts always kept coming back to THE ONE SPECIAL GIRL. It wasn't like a seven-year-long crying jag full of Myspace poetry, but the girl was always on my mind and I always wished on some level that she would come around.
Also, when I did date other girls I sometimes secretly used THE ONE SPECIAL GIRL as litmus test for the other girls, so of course I never found one who matched or exceeded her in my mind.
I have to explain that I'm Eric Clapton's "Layla" infatuated with the girl, not John Hinkley Jr. infatuated. Big difference. Besides, I don't own a gun, nor do I love Jodie Foster. (Seriously, if I had to explain the abnormal longevity of the infatuation, I'd attribute it to us having a lot of mutual friends and mutual places in our lives so we're very much a part of the other's life whether we want to be or not. It's not like I can completely avoid exposure to her without cutting ties to a bunch of other places and people I am not willing to give up, hence I can never completely get away from her nor can she get away from me unless one of us is willing to cut all ties to everything and start a new life.)
To be fair, I've tried to limit my exposure to the girl as much as I could without it being obvious that was what I was doing because that helped to ease my mind a lot, but of course didn't completely settle it. I've pretty much flat out said, "It was a mistake to think that you and I would work as a couple, and I'm sorry I didn't recognize it sooner. I was just niave." It was a lie of course, and I don't know how convincing it was to the people who know I said it, but it seemed like my efforts were just upsetting her and I wanted to preserve the friendship.
The problem is, since I can't get Girl off my mind, I can't get it out of my head that I can't have the Gold medal, so any other girl is "settling" for silver, or if drunk, bronze.
KG, I did that direct approach right at the beginning because I don't really know the rules of "the dance" or "the game" or whatever, the girl was single, but also wasn't, in her words, "looking for any relationships right now," That put me in the whole circling shark "I'm over her/I can't live without her" phase for the last few years.
The only good thing about the girl getting married, assuming that's the BIG NEWS, is that it may very well force me to accept things and truly move on, because this obviously isn't a constructive way to live life. Sadly, hope dies hard and my heart and brain do not like to work as a team, so I'll still be hoping for the ending of "The Graduate" until the ring is on her finger.
Also, I'm almost positive that the girl doesn't live up the idea of her I have in my head that's been built up by my imagination and daydreams over the years due to lack of a lot of solid information that would have been gained had I actually dated her. Of course, this version of the girl is completely idealized and worth chasing after for the better part of a decade. Unfortunately, this also means that technically, the girl I love doesn't exist anywhere but in my own noggin and that the real girl is just the closest facsimile of that idea. But like I said, my heart and brain do not work as a team.
The situation right now is that I told her I don't have those feelings for her anymore, and that at the time perhaps I only thought I did. I just want to be her friend and have a normal friendship and put my past advances behind us, chock it up to immaturity and naivete' on my part and get on with our lives.
Now, her best friend and respectively one of my good friends knows me pretty well and told me in private that I'm a pretty good liar. So obviously the girl discussed the conversation with our mutual friend. My reply was: "Well, you have to ask yourself what sort of person I am. Am I the kind fo guy who would recognize that his romantic aspirations were inspired more by infatuation than anything of substance and wisely decided to cease and desist; or am I so in love with the girl that I'm willing to stop pursuing her, even though it rips me up inside to do it, simply because I would rather be without her than see her unhappy because of something I did?"
That was the last substantial comment about the issue that I made to anyone involved prior to posting on this board about it. That was back in the beginning of June.
Incidentally, I found out the BIG NEWS is neither marriage nor pregnancy or anything closely related to either.
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Starseeker thinks that this thread is a interesting insight into social ideas and has a striking resemblance to the book that he is reading. Apparently, the American cultural code for love in False Expectations. Italians don't have the same expectations, so they have more fun in love. For the Italian men, the only unrequited love is reserved for their mother, so they have less expectations for romantic love. And Italian women believe that they can get the adoration of unrequited love when they reach motherhood, so they don't expect it from the men.
Starseeker also did a little bit of mind-reading in the sense that he thinks the female friend was testing him to see his feelings when she asked about it earlier. Starseeker believes the girl was thinking like the K-fish because she wants to be sure before moving on. Starseeker also thinks that Loveshack should talk to the girl one last time to just to tell the truth so Loveshack can shake off the emotional burden of infatuation. (I had a crush on you for the longest time, but I never found the right moment to say it. As your long time friend, I believe that he is a good guy and you've made a good choice. I am happy for you, and now I can find someone special on my own. )
Starseeker believes that Loveshack should take relationships less seriously, and Loveshack should go out and have fun with girls so he can be comfortable with them. Starseeker also thinks that if all else fails, Loveshack should move to Britain, Japan or China because the cultural difference actually helps him get through the initial difficulty which is the only thing Loveshack seem to have trouble with.
Starseeker is suddenly reminded of the Brian Adams' song, "When you love a woman".
PS: All of the sudden, this is turning into "My best friend's wedding".
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I have to explain that I'm Eric Clapton's "Layla" infatuated with the girl
Yeah, but notice that Clapton's infatuation soon became requited, turned into marriage, and then ended in divorce. Maybe that's why George Harrison didn't have too much problems with Boyd divorcing him to marry Clapton. Maybe he was kind of sick of her by then.
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Hmm, okay, I'm Brandy's "Have you ever?" infatuated with this girl.
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Turn to the darkside, Loveshack... Search your feelings, you know them to be true!!!
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What about making a girl with a 1985 era computer and a doll? Chucara could do the programming.
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Why does that remind me simultaneously of Weird Science, Applegeeks, and Comedity?
Oh yeah. Hot computerised girls. :P
Its a plan, but then it would only be good for the talking side of things.
Like a Fischer Price My First Girlfriend. God, having one of those would have made life alot easier ;D
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The situation right now is that I told her I don't have those feelings for her anymore, and that at the time perhaps I only thought I did. I just want to be her friend and have a normal friendship and put my past advances behind us, chock it up to immaturity and naivete' on my part and get on with our lives.
I don't mean this to sound rude, but re-read what you wrote above.
I have news for you - a friendship built on lies is not a friendship. You simply are not a very good friend if you have to lie.
You really need to do one thing: Tell her your feelings, ask her out, and let the chips fall where they may. If it means the end of things, so be it.
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although if her big news is that she's about to marry this other guy then i think you'd be best not saying anything.
she might think you've gone a bit Elvis Costello 'I Want You' and thats not good especially if you tell her you've been pining for 7 years.
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although if her big news is that she's about to marry this other guy then i think you'd be best not saying anything.
she might think you've gone a bit Elvis Costello 'I Want You' and thats not good especially if you tell her you've been pining for 7 years.
I'm pretty sure she already thinks that. Still you never know, it could wind up like this:
(http://cache.eb.com/eb/image?id=90604&rendTypeId=4)
Though it's more likely to end up like this:
(http://www.mikepaulblog.com/blog/media/Mel%20Gibson%20Mugshot%202.jpg)
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Owl, yeah, I know that it's not good to lie, but the truth of the situation scared and upset her. Aside from the fact that I didn't want to be the cause of something that made her scared or upset, it drove her away from me, and I'd rather lie if it meant I could have her in my life in the limited capacity I do rather than continue to tell her the truth and lose her entirely. Sure, I'd never be more than her casual friend, and I'd always want more, but I think that to completely lose her would hurt so much more.
Of course, there's also that problem I mentioned earlier about having possibly idealized her in my head because of a lack of real meaningful interaction with her. This means that I am pining away for what basically amounts to a meticulously crafted imaginary friend who just happens to look like the real girl, who otherwise has nothing in common with the daydream and might very well be unappealing. (Unappealing mainly because she doesn't like me in that way, but there's probably other stuff about her I wouldn't like.)
Also, when I can avoid her without it being obvious that's what I'm doing, I do start to get over her, but then I'll hear something about her from a mutual acquaintance or see her at a mutual hangout and all the sudden my feelings for her come back. Of course, I stay quiet about them rather than continue to act on them. I'll start to figure it just isn't meant to be (which it probably isn't), and I'll start to forget about her, and then I'll get spooked into thinking she's marrying someone else and it's like back at square one.
I figure my options are to make her fall in love with me, (which I know I can't do since real love has to be freely given, and she ain't giving.) to forget about her and move on (which I've tried to do since it seems like the best, healthiest, and most mature decision, but can't seem to quite pull off.) OR...keep pining for a relationship that probably can't happen for any number of reasons (which happens without much effort for or against on my part.)
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dude that isn't fair to her.
i'm not hatin, but that's not fair.
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dude that isn't fair to her.
i'm not hatin, but that's not fair.
What's not fair to her? Please elaborate.
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Owl, yeah, I know that it's not good to lie, but the truth of the situation scared and upset her. Aside from the fact that I didn't want to be the cause of something that made her scared or upset, it drove her away from me, and I'd rather lie if it meant I could have her in my life in the limited capacity I do rather than continue to tell her the truth and lose her entirely. Sure, I'd never be more than her casual friend, and I'd always want more, but I think that to completely lose her would hurt so much more.
Upsetting or not, I don't think that's the way to do things here.
With all due respect, if you'd lie to someone to keep them around, that's no life at all. It's self defeating and selfish. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on her. You're lying not just to them, but to yourself as well.
Now we've all had knocks in the storms of relationships. Some work the way we want them, some dont. I'm not unsympathetic to your situation but when it comes down it, sometimes you have to take a chance and just deal with the outcome. As I see it, there are 3 choices on the table:
1. Charades - you keep the status quo going and nothing changes either way.
2. Put up - you lay the cards on the table.
3. Shut up - you accept it's not meant to be and get on with your life.
The longer you drag things out the worse it'll get. I can tell you right now that the fact you'd even consider lying just to keep them around means you need to seriously get your priorities and head in order. Maybe I'm being overly blunt, but sometimes a swift kick up the arse is needed rather than the soft touch.
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playing your hand in the card game of love... is a scary idea :)
I also hate love. for it hates me as well
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dude that isn't fair to her.
i'm not hatin, but that's not fair.
What's not fair to her? Please elaborate.
She does not like you in "that way". And it's pretty clear she's not going to. You are lying to stay "friends" with her, for purely selfish reasons.
To be honest, I don't see how you can possibly defend these actions.
How would you feel if you found out the real boyfriend was lying to her about how he felt about her just so he could keep banging her?
You'd be almost outraged, right (of course you would.) Think about that.
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dude that isn't fair to her.
i'm not hatin, but that's not fair.
What's not fair to her? Please elaborate.
She does not like you in "that way". And it's pretty clear she's not going to. You are lying to stay "friends" with her, for purely selfish reasons.
To be honest, I don't see how you can possibly defend these actions.
How would you feel if you found out the real boyfriend was lying to her about how he felt about her just so he could keep banging her?
You'd be almost outraged, right (of course you would.) Think about that.
Yeah, I'd be furious. I'd want to put him on a gurney, that's true, but it's not like I'm lying to her so I can use her for sex, I just enjoy being around her. Also, if that were really the case, I could be the one to rescue her from the evil lying boyfriend.
Also, why would telling her the truth be better? I tried it and it didn't work. The way I see it, telling her the truth AGAIN will make things worse. Make her mad, make me mad, leave me alone in the dirt. Not a promising turn of events. Plus, I'm not 100% sure I'm in love with her or the HER in my head.
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I think it will be better for you if you moved on. Sometimes it's just better to go, forget and maybe later you'll redefine your relationship in the future.
I've met you in person and you seem like the decent sort, you aren't hideous (or anything close to that) so I can't see some girl not wanting to be with you. I think even if you did get this girl, you may not get her because you'll have her... but not the person in your mind.
But... I've been there. Wanting someone and not having them and the pain that's associated with that. So... I hope you get though it with a minimum of pain for everyone involved. You seem like a decent guy so I'm sure whatever you do... you'll be able to think about it 10 years down the line and go... "Yeah. I acted ok."
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On another note...
I realize that you're probably feeling bad because you don't have the person you want but consider this...
It may be hard on her.
Depending on the kind of person she is... she may be 'hurting' because she has to refuse someone who's obviously in love with her. This is different than turning down someone for a date. In effect she's saying... "While you love me.... I don't feel this way about you." Then she has to see the pain in your eyes. For a lot of people... that's a painful thing to do.
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Yeah, I'd be furious. I'd want to put him on a gurney, that's true, but it's not like I'm lying to her so I can use her for sex, I just enjoy being around her. Also, if that were really the case, I could be the one to rescue her from the evil lying boyfriend.
But you're lying so you can still be around her. You are STILL "using" her.
Also, why would telling her the truth be better? I tried it and it didn't work.
No, it didn't work TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS. She is not yours to manipulate.
You're not a kid anymore - you're an adult. Again, no offense, LS, but given that fact, this is starting to sound kinda creepy. You really need to move on.
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What about making a girl with a 1985 era computer and a doll? Chucara could do the programming.
Tried that.. "It" ate my shoes and ran off to a potpourri convention. I'm not doing that again.
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Yeah, I'd be furious. I'd want to put him on a gurney, that's true, but it's not like I'm lying to her so I can use her for sex, I just enjoy being around her. Also, if that were really the case, I could be the one to rescue her from the evil lying boyfriend.
But you're lying so you can still be around her. You are STILL "using" her.
Also, why would telling her the truth be better? I tried it and it didn't work.
No, it didn't work TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS. She is not yours to manipulate.
You're not a kid anymore - you're an adult. Again, no offense, LS, but given that fact, this is starting to sound kinda creepy. You really need to move on.
Yeah, it didn't work to my expectations, but that's basically the same as not working. Also, remember what I said about since we've known each other for so long that we know a lot of the same people and move in the same circles and stuff. I would gladly move on, but it seems like the only way for me to do that is to force myself to never see her again; that I could probably do. But, since she and I know the same people and hang out with the same people and go to the same places, it's almost like I'd have to go into the witness protection program or something and start completely from scratch in regards to any social life just for the sake of forgetting about her.
One person I can cut myself off from, but I'd have to cut off from like fifty people to get away from her.
If you have an idea how I can avoid exposure to her but not the dozens and dozens of mutual friends, than let me know. I really don't want to have to ask "GIRL isn't going to be there is she?" before I attend any social functions because that would be equally creepy, just a different sort of creepy. (BTW, I have enough sense to not do that whole creepy stalker thing, it's really just a "me" problem with which I'm confiding in the UV for advice. I conduct myself appropriately nonetheless. No creepy "drive by her house at 3am" stuff. I promise. Sheesh, when did having an unrequited attraction to someone stop being the source of great works of art and become something that brands you a creepy stalker?)
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No creepy "drive by her house at 3am" stuff. I promise. Sheesh, when did having an unrequited attraction to someone stop being the source of great works of art and become something that brands you a creepy stalker?)
NOT a insult to you but the answer is: March 30, 1981 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reagan_assassination_attempt#Motivation) and July 18, 1989 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Sister_Sam#Rebecca_Schaeffer.27s_murder_and_syndication)
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One person I can cut myself off from, but I'd have to cut off from like fifty people to get away from her.
But I don't think you have to do that. Just minimize interaction with *her*.
(BTW, I have enough sense to not do that whole creepy stalker thing, it's really just a "me" problem with which I'm confiding in the UV for advice.
Yes, you are correct. I shouldn't call this creepy - the internet can be a good "confessional" medium.
Sheesh, when did having an unrequited attraction to someone stop being the source of great works of art and become something that brands you a creepy stalker?)
well, it could be when they make clear the affections are not mutual, so one must lie to keep close (and keep hope alive.)
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Sheesh, when did having an unrequited attraction to someone stop being the source of great works of art and become something that brands you a creepy stalker?)
well, it could be when they make clear the affections are not mutual, so one must lie to keep close (and keep hope alive.)
[/quote]
Yeah, I know. But that's still a far cry from the "hiding in the bushes, shooting the President, making a creepy video diary of my building an acid bomb before I mail it to Bjork" kind of person everybody starts thinking of nowadays. Man, in the old days, it was guys like Dante and Abraham Cowley and Shakespeare who everyone thought of in situations like this. Now, thanks to a bevy of people who were clearly mentally disturbed even before they became obsessed with someone, everyone starts thinking about John Hinkley Jr. and his ilk.
Honestly, I thought that I was over her, in the sense that I had adopted an attitude of "It most likely won't happen, but if it does, that's just super." It was only when I thought she might be marrying someone else that everything came bubbling back up to the surface in full force and I decided to post a thread here on the board. (As opposed to doing something like this. http://youtube.com/watch?v=UoZeZprXnDg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=UoZeZprXnDg))
Believe me, I know it sounds kinda' creepy. I'm the one feeling like this and I think it sounds kinda' creepy. I suppose that's a fairly good sign that I'm balanced and handling this normally.
If I started saying stuff like, "You all don't understand! You're the crazy ones! WE'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!! FATE ORDAINED IT IN THE STARS. GOD TOLD ME SO IN MY BOWL OF ALPHABITS! We're going to be together FOREVER!!! YOU'LL SEE! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!" Then maybe you should worry about my mental health.
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Man, in the old days, it was guys like Dante and Abraham Cowley and Shakespeare who everyone thought of in situations like this. Now, thanks to a bevy of people who were clearly mentally disturbed even before they became obsessed with someone, everyone starts thinking about John Hinkley Jr. and his ilk.
I think it's a case of... one bad apple ruins the barrel. If those days aren't gone then they're severely diminished. I have girlfriends with stalker experiences and that leaves an impression. So people think of that now.
And to be fair to you... some things just sound worse on a message board. Sometimes I refrain from posting stories because I think they'll be taken a different way. eg. "You just HAD to be there..."
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Man, in the old days, it was guys like Dante and Abraham Cowley and Shakespeare who everyone thought of in situations like this. Now, thanks to a bevy of people who were clearly mentally disturbed even before they became obsessed with someone, everyone starts thinking about John Hinkley Jr. and his ilk.
yea, but you are equating fiction with real life. It's kinda not ok (and never was) to do what you are doing.
You are lying to your "friend". Apparantly, you are ok with that. I'll refrain from commenting further, as I really don't want to insult you, and really said all I can say.
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Okay, so given that it's bad to continue pining for someone who doesn't like me as more than a friend and never will.
And given that it's bad to lie about pining for someone who doesn't like me as more than a friend and never will for the sake of keeping it secret for a variety of reasons. (One of the main things is that I'm not to good at keeping this a secret indefinately. Multiple times, the facade has started to break down, and then I have to deny, deny, deny. Not fair to anyone involved really.)
And given that I thought I was over someone I was pining for who doesn't like me as more than a friend and never will, until just recently.
HOW? How then, do I get over someone I was pining for who doesn't like as more than a friend and never will?
Or is it something that I'll just kind of have to deal with and politely keep my mouth shut, until someone else comes along who catches my eye and maybe feels that same way?
P.S. I'm really hoping I don't come off as Stabby McStabberson here. Like Doomsie said, it is kind of one of those "you had to be there" kind of things. I'll admit I embarassingly fumbled my way through this entire life experience because I am naive about these sorts of things, so I probably could have handled things better, but there's never been a sinister bent to it.
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HOW? How then, do I get over someone I was pining for who doesn't like as more than a friend and never will?
Easy: Find something/someone else to occupy your time.
You need to get your mind onto something else pronto. Obsessing over it is just going to feed the feelings of loss and anguish.
When I went through the same thing with a girl whom didn't return my feelings, I decided to try and find someone else. The problem I had was I was subconsciously weighing them up against this ideal girl I had in my mind, and every one of them was falling incredibly short. They were wonderful and nice girls, but I was turning them away for essentially being "not her". When I decided I wasn't going anywhere fast and realised that she was unique, I asked myself: "Okay, given the perfect model 'X' with several desirable 'Y' factors... what would I be willing to sacrifice to gain 'Z: Interest in me'?" It wasn't long before I started seeing girls as they were, not as they weren't.
It was kinda nice. Its just a shame my next girlfriend fell into the "subtly mentally unstable" category. But still, with her and all my other interests keeping my mind at bay, I'd forgotten all about the obsession I'd had.
Now when I think about her, I think: "Hmm. Shame that never worked out as intended. Oh well. Her loss. Ooo, nice thighs, lady!"
Yep. Wimminz still distract me >.<
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Easy: Find something/someone else to occupy your time.
what he said.
Find new friends. Take another class. Start a business. Move somewhere else. Get a new job. Get a second job. Go travel somewhere. Write a book. Learn to make websites. Take up knitting. Whatever.
When I was 23 or 24 or so, I decided I didn't want to be a druggie pothead anymore. It required losing the pothead friends and finding new ones. There wasn't any malice there, I just stopped going to all the places these things were happening (and thus stopped hanging around with the stoners) and found other stuff to do / other people to hang with. You CAN do it - nobody is forcing you to hang out with her.
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"Love Stinks" is the title of this thread - well, going hand in hand with that is the phrase Reality Sucks.
To be fair, there are many ways in which reality does not in fact suck...but the thing to remember here is that we know reality because it is not fantasy.
Seems a simple thing to say, but there it is. And it's not actually simple at all.
To illustrate the reality/fantasy contrast, I shall cite a moment or two from the extremely unreal world of Hollywood. The first is from the film Last Action Hero when big Arnie falls into a tar pit and subsequently dabs all the tar off himself with a single Kleenex, to which his youthful sidekick notes "You know, tar actually sticks to some people..."
The second example is from the end of the film Brazil. As far as we know, the character of Sam Lowry has made an amazing, breath-taking escape with the love of his life by emulating the actiuons of the winged angelic hero he becomes in his dreams...and then we see the faces of the authority figures in his life move into the idyllic scene from the sides of the screen, and it becomes apparent that Lowry has not escaped physically at all - he is in fact strapped to an interrogation chair. One authority figure turns to the other and says succinctly "He's got away from us, Jack". Lowry's mind has gone bye-bye - it has slipped into the fantasy land of his dreams.
Hence my use of the phrase Reality Sucks.
Things happen in reality that we cannot control. We may not like such things, but they are real and they cannot be ignored. Relationships might not turn out the way we wanted. We may lose people close to us. Talentless people get appointed to high-powered jobs because they know the boss.
Our dreams and fantasies might seem an attractive place to live, but the only reason they are so attractive is because they are fantasy. It's irony, it's a paradox - but it's also a fact.
But that doesn't mean we have to give up our dreams to live in reality. Sometimes the only thing that makes life bearable is the escape offered by fantasy. The key thing to remember though is that it IS fantasy.
So my advice?
Forget the girl but keep the dream. From the sound of it, no real woman could live up to the fantasy woman you've woven around this lass. Case in point - if she really were your fantasy, why is she looking at other guys instead of you? Why isn't she more than a friend to you? It's because she's real and reality doesn't play by fantasy's rules.
Oh, and Reality may Suck, but Love doesn't really Stink. Not real love anyway - that's the irony of that. Fantasy love is what stinks because it cannot become real, but real love is the kind you find in reality. That's what you need to find, not the fantasy.
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Forget the girl but keep the dream.
Exactly.
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I hate to sound like an ass, but you need to get over yourself you poor bastard
:annoyed:
I'm my opinion just go find yourself someone else buddy.It's not hard to see that there are aprrox. 4 billion other fish in the sea
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But the best fish is already taken! :D
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How is this talk about sea creatures going to help him?
The man needs another woman, dammit.
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How is this talk about sea creatures going to help him?
The man needs another woman, dammit.
Reminds me about the blind guy who walks past the fish market...
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he stops, he takes a deep breath he says...
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"I smell fish!"
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UTTER DISAPOINTMENT
====> :worried:
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Like anything else in life, love has it's "little bumps in the road", but if it's true love, it can withstand anything. My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. and married 10 yrs. today. It's not all a joy ride and there are sacrifices to be made, b/c, lets face it, if our mates were exactly like us and we agreed on everything, life would be boring. You're young, give it time. You have many bumps in the road ahead of you. It sucks when things aren't going well, but in a couple weeks you'll be wondering why you let someone like that get to you in the first place.
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Like anything else in life, love has it's "little bumps in the road", but if it's true love, it can withstand anything. My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. and married 10 yrs. today. It's not all a joy ride and there are sacrifices to be made, b/c, lets face it, if our mates were exactly like us and we agreed on everything, life would be boring. You're young, give it time. You have many bumps in the road ahead of you. It sucks when things aren't going well, but in a couple weeks you'll be wondering why you let someone like that get to you in the first place.
Great advice. =) It's good when you get new ideas or interests from your significant other.
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Here you go.
Soul Geek (http://www.soulgeek.com/)
It's a dating site for chic geeks.
(This link is meant to be helpful)
I think online dating is great. If you're into being a bird furry who liked Ender hates Star Trek and loves games there's a great chance there's someone else out there similar to you.
At there very least you can find another girl that liked comics since you do. =)